10.12.13

Fiction: Grandpa’s Chutzpah To Go Cookies…

"Chutzpah - that quality which enables a man who has murdered his mother and father to throw himself on the mercy of the court as an orphan." Oscar Levant

Fiction: Grandpa's Cookie Recipe added a  few kicks to the mix


The WriteRight Speakers Club (WRSC) had convened again; made up, mostly, of an insensitive bunch of self righteous bastards with neither award winning best sellers nor scholarly tomes to their names. This time, the WRSC Board met to discuss the grave matter of Grandpa’s profanity laced tirade at the annual Holiday dinner.

“I had to let the MoFos have it. I was tired of their shit. Oh, they know alright how to lampoon “hyperbole, digressive shmuckity shmuck and specious diatribe.” Grandpa scoffed. He took a sip of his pomegranate Kefir, and leaned back into his favorite armchair. I sat by the fireplace, waiting to hear his spiel.

“In the old country, Griots were highly respected. We were gifted orators; telling our stories to kings, their subjects, and even warriors on the battlefield. Each story was a yarn, woven over several days. People would gather to hear an oft told tale embellished; they liked the meanderings and even the illogical twists and turns in a story. Like life, our stories weren’t linear; they segued here and there, and were pithy with warnings and wisdom. But these old WRSC farts insist on order, precision, and a specific cadence…”

Why a specific cadence? I asked.

“Because most of our club members wear hearing aids and can’t hear a damn thing. They want our speeches LOUD and real slooooooow! It messes with my rhythmic flow. Sheesh, we have members who talk over each other, constantly interrupting my story. Others spend time preening or pontificating on material from decaying members. I keep telling the Board to invest in a bullhorn with a siren attached to help shut the Viagra deprived schmucks up but, Prissy Preamble, our club president, wants none of it.”   Grandpa explained.

“Can you imagine the audacity? Prissy had the nerve to ask me why I was being so ornery; calling my fellow members Viagra deprived schmucks! I told her: Look around our club. Our members are all over 60 and that mess about wisdom coming with age is lost on them, for sure. They need some action on both ends and…”

What led to the tirade? I asked, interrupting my 75 year old Grandpa, before he launched into another invective. 


MORE BELOW! 


"Chutzpah - a kind of cosmic attitude, as though there’s nothing really there stopping you from doing whatever you want.” Rabbi Tzvi Freeman

Fiction: Grandpa's Chutzpah story kept the fireplace glowing.


“Kismet! Fate, my dear child. The assholes had it coming. At the annual Holiday dinner, we took turns singing our versions of popular songs. Like I said before, I was tired of their shit and wanted hot blood coursing through their veins instead of congealed fat and ice. When Winter Wonderland came up, I swapped my version for the bridge:

"In the meadow we can bone a showgirl,
then pretend that she’s our good ole spouse
If the ole girl asks us, We'll say 'No maam,’
but I’ll take a blowjob now while you're around! 

When it snows, ain't it thrillin'?
Tho' your butt, gets a chillin'
We’ll frolic and play, the ole doggie way,
Fr***kin' in a Winter Wonderland.” 

Whoa Grandpa, you’re on a roll. I said, blushing.

“Okay, I know… They hated my version; not everyone, but the folk who laughed and loved it were outnumbered by the fried-n-frigid set. I offered to show them what I learned from the Chippendales on my last trip to Vegas, and proceeded to rip my shirt off, gyrating feverishly to the next song - Donde Esta Santa Claus. Before I could pull down my shorts, Prissy had called security. Security chased me around the room to the strains of  Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer playing loudly on the speakers. They pissed me off and I cursed them out too. As I was escorted out the Elder Care Community Center, I shouted that I quit the WRSC for good!

Between gasps of laughter, I had to ask: "And the outcome of that grave matter, Grandpa?

“Right… At my “hearing” Prissy and the Board wanted apologies as restitution: ‘Tone down the excessive vulgarisms. Apologize.’ They repeated in unison.

“I apologized. I even brought a batch of my special peace cookies and offered them around. My cookies were always a hit with the club, you know. This time, I added chocolate laxative to the mix… The next day, Prissy called to ask if, like everyone else, I had the nasty stomach flu symptoms too. ‘NOT yeeeeeeeeeeet!’ I said, loud and slow. My child, they were in the bathroom for days.”   Grandpa chuckled and winked at me.

I winked back at my chutzpah cookie monster!  “Grandpa told the best stories.” (746 words)




Speakeasy #139: This week’s sentence prompt can be used anywhere in our piece: “Grandpa told the best stories.” The media prompt is a song, Winter Wonderland, and we must make some sort of reference to it in our submission. Check out this week's submissions for Speakeasy #139.  Join the email list to get the Speakeasy delivered right in your inbox for weekly Flash Fiction fun.

Some Food for Thought: Do you have stories to share from your Grandpa? What kind of relationship did you have?    If you could change one thing about your relationship with your grandparents, what would it be? Happy Holiday Season.  Love and Peace!

I would love to hear from you: Please leave me a comment. Thank You!

PHOTO CREDITS/ATTRIBUTIONS: All Photographs: Fireplace, Cookies, via Wikipedia

 Until Next Time…
Ask. Believe. Receive. ©
Elizabeth Obih-Frank
Mirth and Motivation
Positive Kismet


80 comments:

  1. I don't think I want those cookies.

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    1. Ha ha! I don't blame you Ranu... I'd wait on those to-go cookies. TY for your feedback. :-)
      Eliz

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  2. Haha! I love it that he was drinking pomegranate Kefir. What a character!

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    1. TY Stacie! It's pretty funny how ideas come up. I was watching Dr Oz sharing how important probiotics are to our digestive tract and he mentioned this drink as one of his favorites. It jumped back at me when I was writing the post. So funny. I do like Kefir and drink it occasionally. It is definitely an acquired taste. ;-)
      Elizabeth

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  3. The cookie looks really good but I don't think I want those if I'm gonna spent time in the bathroom....

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    1. Oh Melgie, lol! I'll make sure to tell Grandpa you're one of the nicer folk. ;-) TY!

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  4. I had very nice relationship with my grandpa (and grandma, too). They were the ones who raised me since I was born. For two decades I lived with them. When my grandpa was still alive, he would tell me lots and lots of stories and words of wisdom. I miss him.

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    1. Van,
      You were truly blessed to have them in your life. I didn't know my paternal Grandpa (he died young) but my maternal Grandpa was a sweet man. He was a lay minister and a healer and his life was dedicated to serving God. This Grandpa is pure fiction but I love his chutzpah. Life isn't always pretty and perfect so I really enjoyed writing this. TY! :-)
      Eliz

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    2. I was the only grand child my grandfather met, but unfortunately I was too young and do not remember him.

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  5. Elizabeth,
    Found you from a comment you left about my Freddie's "rivulet" haiku. Love your blog(s). You ARE a good writer and great marketer - sending admiration..

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    1. Hi Judith,
      Thanks for checking in... I'm glad you stopped by and caught a different writing exercise from the usual Haiku. I'm still thinking about the Rivulet Haiku and plan to write something soon. Glad you liked this piece and I appreciate the feedback. We all thrive on feedback.
      Elizabeth

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    1. Hi Rosegen,
      Now, if only they were free of those chocolate laxatives... I'd have some too. Tehe! TY :-)

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  7. Oh man, Grandpa plays dirty pool. I loved the lyrics of the filk. Great stuff all around!

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    1. TY EagleAye!
      I'm a big fan of Limericks and when I was thinking of what to write for this prompt, a zany idea crossed my mind. Clearly, this Grandpa is crazy but I love him for not hiding behind filters. A lot of meanness in our world is perpetrated by pretentious people hiding behind holier-than-thou filters. I love Grandpa for letting it all out there. TY again for stopping by. ;-)
      Eliz

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  8. That grandpa sounds like a handful, but at least you don't have to wonder what he's thinking. (I'm happy mine was more reserved, though!).

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    1. TY Janna! He is a firecracker and I ad fun with him... liberating! :-)

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  9. Interesting take on the prompt:) Although, I am going to look at chocolate cookies very warily in the future ;)

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    1. I hear you... I'll think twice before I jump on all the holiday cookies out there too. TY! :-)

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  10. Hahaha! Oh, I love this Elizabeth! What a great character that Grandpa is. And I love the pomegranate kefir reference. Brilliant!

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    1. TY Suzanne! I'm glad you liked the reference. Dr Oz had mentioned it in a talk and I loved the idea of using it in the piece. Glad it worked for such a spur of the moment decision :-)

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    1. TY for your feedback! I appreciate it. This was fun. :-)

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  12. Too funny! I was laughing out loud at Grandpa's antics. Reminds me of a true story about a girl I went to kindergarten with....Caroline

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    1. TY Caroline! I don't know how you came up as anonymous... Glad it made you laugh. ;-)

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  13. My mother's father died when I was a kid and all I can remember is his long thumb nails. We can hardly understand him since he spoke a local dialect we don't understand much. As for my father's side, we grew up not close to them and I don't exactly why. Maybe because we don't live with them and there's many family differences that we have encountered through the eyes. The last memory I had with him, before he passed away, was my college graduation when he went up stage with me to give my medal of honor.

    Mommy Maye
    www.ourfamilyblogsabout.info

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  14. I think Grandparents say the darndest things. Sometimes, politically incorrect but we love them anyway. And they get away with the pranks they initiate!

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  15. What a fun grandpa to be around. :) I never experienced a grandfather when growing up buy I'm lucky to have three, including a great grandmother. :)

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  16. Hmmm... I thought I wanted do eat some, but after this post... never mind hahahaha!

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  17. This story is a riot, Eliz! I just kept on giggling (while the nanny and my baby are staring at me, wondering what was wrong hahaha!). Unfortunately, I don't have any kind of relationship with either grandpas. One has been dead before I was born, and the other died when I was young but lived far from us.

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  18. Nice story- thanks for sharing! (the cookies look good too!)

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  19. My Grandpa died before I was born on my Dad side,never get a chance to know more about him. But my grandma always talked about him...:)living those sweet memories.

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  20. Reading those two paragraphs that rhymed makes me laugh I don't know if its a poem or a song lol.

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  21. He would do very well with my grandma. She used to shock and makes us smile all the time -- especially my poor mother. We always found her amusing.
    I'll be singing that song now with a smile on my face....hope I remember these words!
    Happy Blogiversary, Elizabeth!

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  22. Cute story. Thanks for the share.
    allan (www.chemistdad.com)

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  23. You can say, I'm a grandpa girl! I grew up with my paternal grandparents and I was really spoiled. I miss them so much!

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  24. I love spending Sundays at my grandparents home. My grandpa would cook lunch for the whole family! He would prepare my fave shrimp dish. If I could turn back time, I want to be beside him before he died.

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  25. Cookies! I remember when I was young, we had this huge box of cookies with different designs. I miss those!

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  26. Have blessed week Eliz, I'm missing my Grandpa!:)
    Melgie ( http://wish4less.blogspot.com)

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  27. Cookies are great, especially if you're a cookie monster... hehehe. Happy Holidays!

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  28. I was so young when my grandparents died so, I don't have clear memories of them. :-(

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  29. Cookies! yum yum! Merry Christmas Eliz! :-)

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  30. The cookies are really tempting me.. happy holidays.

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  31. That's chutzpah? (the first description creeped me out haha - always thought it was guts and attitude). Enjoy the holidays, Eliz!

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  32. I have a great relationship with my grandfather :) I remember as a kid he use to take me fishing and we would watch cowboy movies all day.
    He is a bit older now so no more fishing, but I still have westerns movie marathrones with him

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  33. These cookies are quite perfect for those who have difficulties in bowel movement. I'm glad I' have a perfect healthy bowel movement so I don't need those :D

    Thank you for your visit.

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  34. You're one good writer Elizabeth! Keep it up! I enjoy reading your haikus too!

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  35. This was an interesting story. I learned something about cookies that I didn't know before - and what not to eat.

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  36. Ok, now I'm craving sweets....

    I miss my papa. He & I had such a great relationship and I miss him all the time. What makes me the saddest is that he never got to meet my kids.

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  37. Speaking of Kefir, I used to make my own but never tried it with pomegranate before. Bet it tastes good

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  38. You are quite good at this interesting writing thing! And my grandpa's cookies were better than these, I promise! :) LOL

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  39. I never really knew any of my grandparents. So no stories. Enjoyed your story though

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  40. Er, well, I guess I'm just glad my grandpa didn't tell stories like that.

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  41. "Chutzpah - that quality which enables a man who has murdered his mother and father to throw himself on the mercy of the court as an orphan." Oscar Levant Love this--and the (hopefully) fictional story you created-although I have to admit I have known some "older people" that I would not put any of this past! Oh, by the way--if anyone ever thinks of waking me up at 2 in the mornng an telling me to get up and cook-ask a bunch of guys what spaghetti sauce with lots of chili powder can do!

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  42. You are a good writer. I might be avoiding some cookies in the future! :)

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  43. OK, grandpas anntics really crack me up! And I think I will pass on the cookies..hahaha!

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  44. I want a cookie! I miss my grandfather and he used to keep orange slices for all us grandkids.

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  45. I had a great relationship with my grandparents and cookies were never an issue

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  46. Sounds a lot like my great grandpa. Mine even asked my mom if she would sleep with him for a million dollars (he had that much) so I know how it is to have an inappropriate grandpa. lol

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  47. Pomegranate Kefir is new to me. Lol. You got me thinking about my grandfather and how much I miss him.

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  48. They look so yummy! Its so sad that they had laxative. They are really tempting Lol

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  49. What a grandpa! :D LOL :D I think I would not like to try those cookies! :D

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  50. They look yum yum though I already have stopped eating cookies a long time ago lol.

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  51. i'm liking grandpa for sure think i could learn a trick or two from him :)

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  52. I love it, nothing like stirring things up a bit and then getting the last laugh by offering a nice treat. This actually sounds like something a friend of mine would do.

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  53. I had a great relationship with my grandpa before he passed away. I truly miss him and his stories.

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  54. I've never heard of anything like this before. What an interesting story and btw the cookies look amazing. Thanks for sharing.

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  55. Oh dear. lol Yeah I have a story about some "special" cookies actaully. It's pretty funny. Good story!

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  56. Hmm i think i will give the cookies a miss lol,great post.

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  57. Grandpas are always fun! I hope I can be so easy and expressive when I'm old!!

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  58. He's clearly one to look out for. I don't trust him from here on out. No thank you to a cookie!

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  59. I only had one grandfather who was still living and he was not very talkative, but I did feel close to him. He passed away when I was a senior in college, but lots of great memories I have of him. :)

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  60. Grandpa sure is a colorful character! Sadly, mine are no longer with us. One passed before I was born, and the other I wish I would have gotten to know better before he left us.

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  61. Grandpa sounds like quite a man! I love the way he talks! As for the cookies, can I get some WITHOUT the "special" ingredient?

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  62. My Mom's Dad died 2 days before I was born. My Dad's Dad is still alive but we are just close enough that we know each other.

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  63. THe grandpa you are talking about sounds like my paternal grandpa. I am more fond of my maternal grandpa.

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  64. What a humorous Story. I definitely would not trust those cookies.

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  65. Had to look up the word chutzpah! I wish i had met my grandfather, but the one from my dad side passed away when my dad was a teen and the one from my mom side I have not seen him since I was 6 years old and just last year he passed away. So much for stories...

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